The Value of Happiness: Why I Walked Away from $40k

Could I have picked a more clickbait-y title? You’re welcome. But it’s 100% true too. This is my second weekly update post, and it’s been one hell of a week. This is a pretty long post because there’s some background that needs to be established, but bear with me. I eventually get to the part about lighting money on fire and walking away. But I’ve also discovered that the value of happiness doesn’t have a price tag. And as trite as that sounds, it’s so true.

Looking for Change

If you follow me on twitter, you might remember a tweet I wrote earlier in the spring:

At the time, I was ecstatic. This great position was opening up, and it would simultaneously allow me to stay with my organization and also get out of DC, which slowly sucks out the soul of its residents who stick around too long (this is factually proven. Don’t question it). Hurray! Fast forward to a month later…

Fast forward another month. I didn’t get the job, and actually it went down in a really disappointing way. For half of the interview process, I was getting signals that I was overqualified. Then, in my rejection email, I was told that I don’t have as much experience as the guy they chose. Despite what seems to me to be pretty similar levels of experience and me having the advantage as an internal candidate. So that happened. And I was crushed. Now more than ever, I want a change.

But being a risk-averse person who fully evaluates all major decisions rather than jumping in both feet first, I decided to hold off on doing anything. Maybe this feeling would fade. After all, I still love the subjects I work on, and my boss is fantastic and was not in any way involved in the upsetting application process/decision. So I decided to not decide anything until later in the fall. I wasn’t going to make any big decisions or changes before then.

So What Happened This Week?

Last weekend, I got an email from a colleague at another organization that I like and respect. She’s one of those awesome women where you totally want their future. She’s supportive and engaging, and she apparently values my professional expertise. She was inviting me to apply for a higher-level position with her organization. In DC.

I know all the advice about careers. Even if I wasn’t sure that this was something I wanted, it was worth exploring. I talked to her on the phone on Tuesday, and we had a lovely conversation. The position in question would supervise two other employees, would allow me to travel to some pretty cool places, and would give me the freedom to really direct the programming in the organization. The best part? When she brought up salary, she mentioned that HR was thinking about somewhere in the range of $100,000, but she was pushing for $120,000 given what they wanted the role to become.

To be clear, this would be a 50% pay raise for me. And so I thought to myself, okay, for 50% more, maybe I can put up with DC for a little longer. It would help with a lot of the frustrations I have with the area, most of which center on the theme of high cost of living.

Testing the Waters

On Wednesday, I spent an hour and a half talking to the person currently in the position. I wanted to find out if there were any major warning signs I should know about, and I wanted a better sense of what would be expected of me. The short version of our conversation is that while this new organization would not be as awesome of a work environment as my current place, there were no huge red flags. I’d have to manage a boss who wasn’t perfect, but I would also have plenty of independence.

I sat there and thought to myself that I would really be stupid if I didn’t take this. I would of course have to interview, but I was getting the sense that the lady who sent me the info really wanted me for the position and would advocate for me effectively. So I decided to email her the next day and tell her that I was interested in moving forward with an application.

Cue Spiraling Depression (Because Brains Are Weird)

By late Wednesday evening, I was sobbing. And panicking. And I couldn’t figure out why. Someone had just offered me a dream opportunity! That would give me a major salary increase and a bump up on my resume! I could show job progression and increasing responsibility! This was the right choice!

My brain didn’t buy it. And no matter how hard I tried to rationalize it, I couldn’t convince myself that this was a good idea. Which was a hard pill to swallow—I have spent my life making the “right” choices. I got straight A’s, went to an elite university, graduated with honors, found an awesome job in a field I loved. The next “right” choice would be to go after a job in my field that pays more and gives me more responsibility and ownership. So why was I miserable??

The Value of Happiness: A Golden Bear Trap Is Still A Bear Trap

Whether or not it’s warranted, my experiences over the past seven months have created a connection between living in DC and my depression. I can’t picture myself happy here, and I’m desperate to get out. I was already starting to realize that, but the cautious side of me didn’t want to rush into change. It wasn’t until I was offered a golden bear trap that would keep me here for at least another three years that I realized how much I need to leave.

So I acknowledged that whether or not it was the “right” decision for my career, it wasn’t right for me. And that helped a lot. I spent Thursday practicing self-care, which translates to napping with my pets and watching old episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I also spent quite a bit of the day working on my Etsy side hustle and applying to full-time jobs (not in DC– Message received, Brain). And that productivity felt great because I was moving toward something that I thought would make me happier in the long term.

On Friday, I emailed the woman who initially recommended I apply for the position. I thanked her for thinking of me but told her that after reflection, I wanted to focus my job search on looking outside of the DC area. She was very understanding, and I’m glad that I didn’t drag things out by starting the interview process.

So What Now?

Next week, I’m going to talk to my boss and tell him what I’m thinking. I want to see if there’s any chance that my current organization can find a place for me outside of DC. While I don’t think there is, at least I’ll have tried. I also want to make sure I’m leaving on good terms, so it won’t blindside him when I do have an actual end-date.

Now, I’ll keep applying for jobs. Jobs that sound interesting and that I think will make me happy. Fulfilling jobs that aren’t in major metropolitan areas… I already have an interview lined up for Tuesday, with a company that’s in a smaller city in Virginia. Fingers crossed!